Be the Self that Is.

In the last couple of months I have come to know very intimately the  so called two “parts” that resides inside each of us.

The false sense of Self. The one surviving. It lives in the small mind (ego). The one we think we are. It is fearful and knows only conditional love. It operates from low self worth and has trust issues. It is loud when it feels fear (thoughts) and it is afraid of pretty much everything. It distrusts Life and thus itSelf. It is deeply afraid of pain, disease, death, loss and love. It is the one we have (subconsciously) created in order to learn and grow.

The true Self. The Soul. The Heart. It is openness. It is grace, peace and joy. It is caring and loves life, loves people, loves animals, loves Love. It wants to experience life. It knows no death cause it is infinite awareness. It is formless. It radiates this Light, like an angel. It knows. It is silent. It is wise. It is a surrendered state of Being.

I have been wanting to be that part.

Like it is someone I have to become.

But I forgot I already AM.

By wanting to be that part, I rejected the other part of me. Like there is a good and bad part.

But there isn’t.

There aren’t really two parts either.

Cause there is only One.

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I have been asked to turn inwards and let the self I have subconsciously created in through grace and compassion instead of judgement and fear.

To look at all of me through the eyes of my Soul.

To Love myself into wholeness.

To embrace the fear and angst.

To feel the shame and guilt.

To let grief in.

To let it all in.

I fought against it.

Because the fear was shooting through the roof. At one point I thought I was dying and losing my mind. And in a way I was..

Eventually I stopped, exhausted from bracing myself and swimming against the current and I listened. I allowed. I let it in and stayed with it. I embraced my mortality and the fear accompanied. There was this deep feeling of groundlessness, hopelessness, powerlessness and insignificance. I deeply grieved.

I held it all and I let it be held in Love and Grace.

For me to ground in my Heart, I had to find the courage to let ALL of me in.

I had to accept and surrender to my reality and let all the unprocessed feelings in.

I had to become nothing.

To experience what I am.

To become nothing is a humbling experience

And it can be a terrifying one.

It is where I found God. Peace. A holy sanctuary within.

It is experiencing your formless unchangeable Being while experiencing the ever changing form of Live.

But like I said it can be a terrifying experience to the mind to become nothing.

To let go of the mind can feel like you are losing your (false sense of) self. You have to let go of the idea that you are what you think you are. Let go of what you think you want or need.

This overwhelming feeling of insignificance is the small mind feeling overwhelmed by the infinite nothingness.

Because it forgot how it already exists.

How it already IS.

Nothing being everything.

Always Now.

What is the point, is a question I have asked a trillion times, especially when I was sitting in these imminent dark places with fear and grief.

I was asked to be PRESENT with my life. Instead of observing, analysing or thinking about my life.

I was asked to surrender my mind to my heart through the gateway of feeling.

I was asked to let go of explaining and attaching stories and meaning to experiences and just simply experience them. Let them BE.

I was asked to let my Heart be broken wide open.

I was asked to LOVE every dark thought, love the resistance, love every heavy feeling, just so I can expierience I am Love. I am this unchangeable formless being.

This I already knew, but to ground myself in this Truth I needed to feel all that was preventing me from Being in Truth.

Knowing the Truth and Being in Truth are two completely different things.

Being alive is easy.

Sadly most of us are running away from ourSELF on a daily basis, always busy arriving.

Really living an embodied life is something else. It takes courage to surrender and let all of life fully in.

Being and feeling.

And that is what I have been “doing” since I left the gram. Or actually simply Being.

Letting all of Life in, the messy, the painful and the beautiful and let it move through me, as life wishes. Every Now Moment.

Standing naked infront of the altar of Love and surrendering my wants and needs to the will of God and accept what is, be present.

I have reached a depth within myself I didn’t know was there.

I have found a place within where peace, openess, safety, wisdom, grace and love just IS.

Ego death, a cycle we must endure if we long for Truth, Presence, Peace and Love.

I don’t know what’s next.

But I am here.

Open.

Present.

Soft.

And aware.